For a long time, I believed that as a young Catholic woman who decided to wait to date until I was ready to make a serious commitment, I would simply know how to practice chastity when the time came. Well … that’s not been my experience, I can tell you that much. Much like test taking, without preparation you set yourself up for failure. If love is the greatest gift of all, and if this is at the core of the marital vocation, I think it is time we begin better arming ourselves for the battle for chastity.
Now I cannot speak to everyone’s experience of dating, but what I have come to learn is that whether physical intimacy is your thing or not, whether you are experienced at any level or not at all, your body NATURALLY desires to express love when you find someone attractive (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). This desire is natural and good. What we choose to do with this desire … well that can be an entirely different story if we aren’t careful.
When I met my now boyfriend, I had never dated anyone seriously, for fun, or honestly been on a date in general. I loved Jesus (still do, don’t worry) with everything and had just finished a year-long period of discernment. I took time to grow in friendship with Ben and felt ready to begin vocational discernment with him in mind. While I had rationally prepared for dating, I hadn’t prepared for the wave of emotions that came with having a crush, wondering if someone might feel the same way, holding hands, going on a date, and learning about another’s life.
As Ben and I began navigating long-distance dating, the separation between visits only increased our longing to be together and show affection. Yes, I do in fact love Ben, and we have expressed our love through mouth mushing, waffle hand-holding, and even the occasional bear hug. These things are good, normal, and beautiful. But each of these expressions of love leads naturally to another. Therefore, it is important to be cautious with which roads we choose to embark on. You see when I began dating, I had no idea choosing to abstain from a full expression of love, just one more kiss, just a little snuggle, all these little or big things could be so difficult. It’s true what they say that one thing leads to another, but for some reason, I just believed this would be easy for me because I wanted to do the right thing. And while there is merit in this thinking, and of course wanting to practice chastity is always a great step in the right direction, living out chastity takes much more work.
Unfortunately, for those who want a direct list of dos and don’ts, I am sorry to inform you that it does not exist. I’ve looked everywhere. I have made mistakes along the way, you will too, and part of understanding what practicing chastity looks like for you is learning via trial by fire … but that fire need not run rampant and be uncontrollable. In the same way, a candle’s flame is tamed by boundaries, so can your desires. So what can you do now? Here’s my best advice whether you are single, dating, or engaged.
Patience and temperance will always exist in your life. When single, you wait for the right person, when dating, you wait for engagement, when engaged you wait for marriage, when married NO MORE WAITING! Ha, gotcha! Even when married, you must consider another individual’s emotions and discern when it is appropriate to begin a family. In other words, there is no point in your life that you will never have to make an active choice to live chastely. So, if you want to live your vocation well in the future, you have to put in the work today.
While you wait for the right person, you can actively strive to live out purity through dressing modestly, spending time in prayer, and preparing yourself emotionally to introduce someone into your life (God willing, of course). Spend time getting to know Christ so you can better imitate his love and recognize him in others!
When you begin dating and throughout the process, take account of your emotions and feelings. These can come fast and strong and be hard to control. How do you combat this? Slow down and practice patience before you rush into situations you haven’t prepared to handle with temperance. Have active discussions with your significant other about the awkwardly beautiful experience of expressing love (or a very strong liking 😉 ). Scared because the conversation may be awkward? It may be, but without clear communication early on, an even more difficult conversation is required later. If it helps ease your nerves, you can always speak in a british accent to diffuse the tension … not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.
Long story short, the battle for chastity cannot be won without patience, self-awareness, and communication. Whether you have experience in dating well, not so well, or not at all, there is never a point in which it is too late, or early for that matter, to take a step toward practicing chastity.
Chastity is more than not having sex, it is a daily choice to learn to reorder and evaluate strong desires to say yes to rightly ordered love. Living chastely may not come naturally at first, but with great sacrifice comes great love. Or is it that with great honor comes great responsibility? Either one seems fitting, and both are certainly true. The battle for chastity isn’t just for your sake, it’s for the one you ought to love rightly and as best as you can. Arm yourself with Christ’s love and example, and learning self-denial, temperance, and patience will become a purifying and beautiful step toward chaste living.
All my love and prayers,
Monica +JMJ+
